Emotions of a man going through divorce
I went through a pretty bad divorce a few years ago, but I survived to tell the tale. I now want to help other men cope with divorce. Men after divorce often live an invisible life of pain and suffering. The absolute disintegration of their life and identity takes a toll that few people see or want to deal with. Society is happy enough to see and deal with the tears of women, but we seem collectively uncomfortable seeing a man in distress and so ignore it.SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: Surviving Divorce: David Sbarra at TEDxTucson 2012
SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: Broken - Two men after divorceContent:
Mens Mental Health - How To Overcome Emotions During A Divorce
We hear a lot about women and divorce : the woman ends up alone — generally with the children. She has little money. She loses social status. She finds it hard to socialise she has the kids. She suffers from a loss of confidence, loss of economic security, finds it hard to get work she has the kids.
On and on it goes… I went through a separation and found that these stories all resonated with me. Certainly that seemed to me, aged 11, to be the case when my own parents separated. I did have many moments sunk down in a chair, wondering what on earth I had done.
One only needs to look at Brad Pitt to realise that. How do they handle divorce? What is their story? I meet Tom Evans at a restaurant in London. He moved out years ago to a large house in Lewes — large enough for him, his American wife, Liz, and his two young children, Peter and Amanda. I just worked all the time. I was a good provider. But there was no warmth in my life. I felt I had no choice but to end my marriage.
He says his wife was shocked by his decision. After the divorce, his wife moved back to America with the children. I have very little access to my children.
I should be there. He describes his lifestyle before his marriage. I had all the toys, a lovely flat, great life, cars, women, expensive clothes, holidays. In my job as an international lawyer, I travelled the world. When he met Liz, there was a spark.
He invited her to Italy. He proposed. They married in Two children soon followed. We did go to counselling. We did try a reconciliation. He is obviously very hurt. I want to point out that his anguish about his marriage has gone on longer than his actual union with his wife.
I am not sure what this is about. He seems disproportionately angry with her, as if his anger has become his identity and he perhaps clings on to it rather than face what he has become: a single man with an estranged wife and children who live on the other side of the Atlantic. Evans has, by his own admission, steered clear of any other major involvements — and yet he is a tall, dark-haired, attractive, well-educated, solvent man, not yet 50, with his own teeth and hair.
Why not just get on with it, find a new identity? He sighs. Even the law seems against me. Many women feel as financially hard done by as men do, post-divorce. It seems, however, that money is an issue on which men become particularly hung up.
It becomes the battleground. I cannot equate a divorce case with rape. It seems a totally inappropriate comparison, far too extreme. How can separation possibly feel like such a violation? More than two years after a divorce, 41 per cent of men were still sad about the failure of their marriage.
In his case, he was fortunate. We agreed to split childcare of our son. We just refused to fight each other. They are financially ruined. The lives they so carefully built up are ripped apart, especially in the courts.
It can take years to get over it. Sometimes, they never actually get over it at all. Finding it difficult to deal with separation or divorce? Needing help? We can help you and your partner and children in your relationship, marriage, separation, divorce, coping with difficult times.
Get in touch. According to a survey, divorce makes men feel devastated, betrayed, confused and even suicidal, while, it claims, women are more likely to feel relieved, liberated and happy following a split. More than two years after a divorce, 41 per cent of men were still sad about the failure of their marriage; for women the figure was 33 per cent.
For Tim Scott, the hardest part of his decision to end his marriage to his wife Jane, a doctor, was what would happen to his relationship with his son Robert, then three.
There does seem to be an unspoken rule that the children stay with the mother at whatever cost to the man — or to the children. I know very few women who would leave their marriage, however horrible it was, if it meant leaving the children behind.
Why then, if the man chooses to leave, does he then feel surprised and shocked at how much he misses his children? But, just an hour before we were due to go out, Jane said she was too tired to go and wanted to stay on the boat.
He went out, cadged a cigarette from a man on deck. But maybe Jane was tired? Maybe life with a small child was taking its toll?
Cut forward a decade, though, and things between Scott and his former wife are more amicable. They share the childcare for Robert. But how does he feel? Has life turned out as he expected? He says the grief he felt about the loss of family life was unexpected.
I was absolutely poleaxed by losing Robert, by not having the day-to-day relationship with him. He lives in a small house with his dog. Robert is around a lot. They do many things together: sailing, canoeing, just hanging out together. So, the all-important question: is Scott happy? Does he believe he made the right decision?
I could not live with her, but I love and admire her. Divorce is a horrible thing and has scarred me, but it is no more unnatural than death and should not be stigmatised as such. None of the men I spoke to for the article had left for another woman. This is statistically rare — unless they are being economical with the truth — and, of course, shapes profoundly the nature of their experience of divorce.
Sian Blore, a divorce lawyer, tells me that of the people she sees in her work, 90 per cent of the men have someone else waiting in the wings. Very few men leave a marriage without someone else being there for them. Yet there is another world out there. I have also met men who, although scarred and sad, have found a new life that works for them.
For most men, there is hope. Our relationship was dead. We were living hollow lives but I would never have called it off. Names have been changed. This article first appeared in November , it has been updated to reflect recent events. Lawyer Vanessa Lloyd Platt runs through the things to consider. Be realistic about money. Do you know the full financial circumstances of your marriage?
Will there be any nasty surprises, like a house mortgaged to the hilt? Are there sufficient funds for your new chapter? Look ahead to the day-to-day details of your new life. Will you feel lonely? Is it a case of the grass being greener?
7 Stages Of Grief For Divorced Men
We hear a lot about women and divorce : the woman ends up alone — generally with the children. She has little money. She loses social status. She finds it hard to socialise she has the kids.
However, many studies have been done on the subject of who the divorce is harder on, each to discover that divorce is harder on men. Men Skip the Grieving Process. Divorce is one of the most stressful things that can happen in life and only more stressful than the death of a close friend or family member. The person you are losing in the case of a marriage dissolution has been your partner and in your life for a long time and grief is a natural feeling.
Dear Therapist: My Boyfriend Is Going Through a Divorce
To some, divorce can be a release. To others, it is a devastating blow. For others still it heralds a new and better beginning. So why does the experience vary so much, and why do men especially seem to struggle with divorce? Yes, that is right, men struggle with divorce. They are not automatons, things without feelings who can brush off the loss of a long-term relationship with ease and nary a backwards glance. While some studies show that men end up wealthier after divorce on average, it is also proven that men suffer from a higher rate of suicide after divorce , and are more prone to alcoholism, weight gain and mental health issues.
6 Reasons Divorce is Harder on Men than Women
Your divorce may prove to be one of the most emotionally disruptive events of your life. Most people describe divorce as a roller coaster. However, it will help you navigate the complexities, so you can successfully regroup. There are 5 common emotions people experience during the divorce process. They are often referred to as the 5 stages of grief.
Cultural norms can make divorce extremely complicated for men and challenging to overcome. Statistics show that women are much more likely to initiate divorce than men. That shock and wave of emotions can hit like a tsunami leaving men overwhelmed and unprepared for the next steps they need to take. Consequently, all this stress and unexpected uncertainty puts men at a great risk of developing serious long-term health problems.
Going Through The Emotional Process of Divorce
The vulnerable will endure emotional stages similar to grieving the death of a loved one. It is better to be armed with expectations of the separation process; at least this way, the worst feelings will not have the upper hand when they begin to manifest. Just like with grief of any kind, it is common to move back and forth between the stages.
You may be proud and hard-headed, or you may be lost and totally open to taking direction in all forms at this point. Divorce will mess you up in ways you never imagined and at times when you least expect it. You want to lash out. You want to just hide from everyone. It may only be 9 am, but Netflix and chill is your only goal for the day.
How Men Can Move on After Divorce